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"I think especially for women, they've got to explore their own bodies," Sussman says. Not porn, but explicit videos in which a voice-over explains what's happening in the scenes.

Sometimes, the problem is a physical one, such as premature ejaculation.

Then you wonder: How can everyone in movies and romance novels be having fiery, combustible sex when you and your partner barely create a spark?

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' You don't want to make them feel bad about what they've done or haven't done." You can have the conversation whenever and wherever it's most comfortable for you. If you crave more foreplay, ask for slower segues into sex. Teach yourself how to orgasm." After you've tried talking and the sex still isn't working, what then? "Learn to get to know each other's bodies." Try some sex aids.

But before you talk, you need to know exactly what it is about your sex life that bothers you. Before you can tell your partner what you want him or her to do in bed, you need to know what you like. Read books with pictures (such as The Joy of Sex), or watch an educational video together, Alman says.

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